pre-thanksgiving

That word causes a lot of racing thoughts throughout my brain, it's not an exactly scary word but it is at the same time. For the past 3 years since I've had an eating issues, it has been a day that is very well thought out and my brain is on overload. Every year it seems to get more and more ingrained in my head that the sense of control over food doesn't ever have a day off, including the inevitable food oriented holidays.

I'm not really the one to say "I'm not going to eat this and this and this" because that's not exactly realistic but don't get me wrong I do calculate the numbers at the end of the day and most likely it will be a bigger number that I would like because it's thanksgiving, the most food oriented holiday of the year which has the scary high number of calories that on a normal day I would never dare to take that risk of eating those high numbers.

I'm going to enjoy my thanksgiving but will I have behaviors the next day? Of course I will. I'm not even going to pretend and say I will because that's not realistic either. A couple Friday's ago, my cousin told me that my mom, my aunt, my 2 cousins and I are going to lunch on the Friday after thanksgiving, my mom and the girls go black Friday every year and it's always a big thing. I hate shopping so I will never know the anticipation of the black Friday madness :)

I think I gave my cousin the deer in the headlights look when she told me that we were all going to lunch, had to pretend I was totally okay with it but to be honest I couldn't be more terrified, I have to remember that normal people after a holiday meal actually eat the next day because they don't feel like they have to makeup for the uncontrollable calories they've consumed.

Last black Friday I didn't eat a thing to make up for thanksgiving dinner and I almost cried when my cousin told me that because I'm terrified. The last 3 years I've never had behaviors after thanksgiving to make up for the disgusting calorie consumption. I'm going to pick the lightest food weight wise and calorie wise because I can't handle anything bigger than that.

I also have another post I want to make, about acting normal around family members during the holidays. This will not be a post about acting normal as in trying to get away with eating as little as possible. I want to tell you right now if that's what you're expecting, that's not it and I want to make that clear because that's not what my blog is about at all.

Basically keeping your composure when everything in you is trembling with fear and all you want to do is scream what your head is screaming at you inside.