coming up on 4 years

I have times in my life, little sparing moments where I look back on some experiences that have happened to me and I feel as though my way of dealing with all of it was and still is my forms of self destruction. I'm not upset, I'm not even mad. What I went through oddly enough has made me into who I am.

This coming up on what will be 4 years of having an eating disorder. This is not by any means in anyway is bragging if you could even say that. Every year since I started this blog I have done this and is it wrong? No. It's awareness more than anything in my opinion.

4 years is a long time. Through this past year I've learned a lot. Every year you grow and evolve mentally and emotionally even without a mental illness but when you are struggling you become more aware of yourself inside and out. You learn more about yourself and you become more in tune with your emotions because you kind of have to be in order to survive. Eating disorders are not only about food and weight. The focus on food and calories are the symptom of a bigger problem. It is a comfort that I can't really explain unless you've been through it yourself.

I'm not scared of death. What I'm scared of though is dying with the last thought being how many calories I ate today and how much I weighed when my loved ones placed me in my grave.