I would never wish this on anyone let alone the people I love. I know they think the same for those who are actually struggling. I know I'm think but nothing can stop me from thinking this belief in my head that says "you can always be thinner, I will be thinner" and that's what the people from the outside looking in can't see. My parents don't understand at all which is fine, I don't blame them.
I wouldn't want to admit to myself that my daughter is actually a basket case either. I feel bad for them, I really do. What loved ones or friends or just people in general need to realize is that we don't choose this. It's not like I woke up one day and was like "oh, i'm going to hate myself now". Like no. I didn't choose to have an unhealthy relationship with food. it just kind of happened.
Honestly that's the scariest thing that you could ever realize is that it just spun out of control. We didn't mean for us to get this bad. If I could switch it on and off I would do it 100%. This never started as a means to lose weight it just began as a way to innocently make myself feel better and it just snowballed in a way that I wasn't necessarily prepared for.
I have to admit, I did choose to start this myself but I never chose for my life to quickly become a day in day out, rules and calories and weight obsessed world that I know live in. I never meant to take it this far. I just wanted to see what would happen. I now realize that this is a dangerous statement.
I would love to write a book one day about my life not just to be able to one day say "I hope my story helps people" but gives them hope that one day everything will be okay. We just have to keep going.
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