NEDAW: Day 4

Trigger warning mention of numbers 

Theme: 3 minutes can save a life 

If you are reading this blog post you may be sick of all the statistical misconceptions about eating disorders that personally I think we all know about and quite frankly I'm sick of hearing the misconceptions and statistics because I've seen them floating around a ton. So I decided I'm not going to do that to you guys. With one exception...


That commonly unfiltered fact is when you are not underweight, look relatively healthy but your mind is so overpowering. I have a naturally athletic build, always have since I was born which is kind of shocking by the way I began with being 3 months early. All my siblings have the same build as I do for some reason. I definitely think cheer made my body become more defined in the muscle area especially my thighs and I'm not necessarily saying I hate them because that's not true.

Honestly I deserve the legs I have from the hard skill of cheerleading. I think that's why it's kind of hard for me to notice the change in my thighs because of my natural athletic build. I'm getting off track, before my eating disorder I was healthy for my height. Healthy meaning in the middle of my rage according to my BMI and I was happy. I can't imagine being happy there, at that weight. It actually scares me to death. It really does.

Right now though, yes i'm at the low end of healthy but according to BMI i'm still "healthy" BUT, BUT that does not mean at all that I am actually healthy physically or mentally. Ever since I lost those 5 pounds from my previous before eating disorder weight I could feel my body changing in not really a good way even by just 5 pounds. I've only lost 12 pounds and I'm still "healthy" according to the scale of BMI but I know that the weight i'm at right now isn't where my body functions best at.

Physically I don't feel great, I don't feel good. I'm hungry all the time and I know my body is malnourished even if the number on the scale doesn't agree. It doesn't matter at all what you physically look like because if you're mentally unhealthy you won't be physically either.

If you don't have the right mindset you won't have the energy or motivation to take care of your body. It doesn't matter if you have cancer, sick with the flu or have an eating disorder that fact will and always be true! In my opinion when doctors or parents say comments that refer to your physical appearance as evidence that you actually "aren't that sick" is  basically waiting as long as possible to start chemo for a cancer patient or waiting to go to the doctor for a broken arm and you go ahead and try to do a cartwheel.

"Just to see", "Just to test the waters to see if it's safe enough." NO. NO. NO. NO! Listen to me, I've been dealing with an eating disorder for 4 years now and I know nothing is worth waiting until you feel worthy enough. I want all of you listening right now to hear me on this.

If you have any problems with food or using food as a means to cope it's not worth it in the long run. It took me about a year for me to realize what I'm searching for doesn't realistically exist. The false reality definetly exists in our mind though and at the end of the day that's all that matters and we spend so many years convincing ourselves that the goal does not exist. Even when we know in the back of our minds that it will NEVER be good enough.

I've always said this and I'll say it again, if I had this disease for the rest of my life meaning someone else doesn't have to I would do it.