All or nothing...

This post I want to talk about something kind of a weird thing that I've realized how my brain works and how much much black and white thinking affects me and translates in eating disorder behavior. Yesterday I went to the gym because I was planning to because my housekeeper was coming and I wanted to get out of the house and we didn't have school so I thought why not?

I already told my parents that I was going and I ended up bingeing in the morning which sucked but I felt like I was on autopilot and didn't really have any option not to because I was stuck in my room with my housekeeper there. My dad came home for lunch, I ate lunch and then went to the gym and spent 2 1/2 hours there. 4 miles on the treadmill and 2 miles on the track :) I walked the 2 miles on the track also the treadmill but I had it on a incline and a fast speed. I felt like I was going to pass out when I got off the treadmill but I convinced myself that I could walk on the track.

Perfect segway into my black and white thoughts and just all or nothing thinking that my eating disorder convinces me that my irrational thoughts are logical. So like I said I felt like I HAD to go. This is kind of going towards where my black and white thinking comes into a major red flag for me.

I haven't exercised at all in a very very long time and when I stepped on that treadmill I became so focused on the number that was on the screen. Exercising hasn't been a major thing in my eating disorder like it is for most people who have eating disorders but I get obessessed once I start, especially more in the summer because it's obviously more accessible. I also realized how much self-worth is determined by the number of calories I burned and how many miles I ran/walked.

Like yesterday, I worked out inside because it was sleeting outside and my parents wouldn't let me drive to the gym.... hopefully they will today. I don't have any homework so I can workout for at least 2 hours. It's like once I start in the routine of exercising it's really hard for me to stop going. I also like sweating not because it releases water weight but because I like the feeling I get when I work out.

That's my justification to make it seem like my thinking surrounding exercising is normal... Damn you brain