Purging

I never thought I would be the girl who copes with food, I actually even now I know I have a problem with food, but it wasn't until a couple days ago I realized I have no idea how to deal with my emotions and I'm actually scared of them. Do you understand what I'm saying? People think eating disorders are all about control and thinness but it's actually we are so terrified of our emotions and the second we feel them we run to the thing that comforts us before the emotion takes a hold.

Let's get to the story, Theatre hasn't been a great experience and this was right after dinner by the way and I have don't like eating in a room where I'm basically forcing myself to laugh or pretend to talk so I don't be seen as the loser in the corner. Even if I was having a good time and with people who I enjoy being around I would still feel uncomfortable, It's just the way it is I guess. So anyway during dinner I immediately thought "Is this easy to purge?" First of all I can't throw up. I used to be a purger but for some reason ever since I stopped for awhile since my middle school principle caught me and then I went into the mental hospital where obviously there wasn't a choice in purging, I couldn't and still can't after what 3 years? I still can't throw up. If anyone can explain to me why? Or don't I don't care but it's hella frustrating.

We've had to stay from 4 in the afternoon until 10 at night since Monday and ever time dinner rolls around I find myself trying to purge or thinking about purging. I personally know that physically my body doesn't throw up voluntarily anymore so why try? But I did and more than that I kept going back and forth to the bathroom to try again. I haven't even thought about purging in months because there's no point in thinking it and without acting on it. I've tried so many times to throw up I've even tried different utensils to purge and my body rejects it now. It's almost like it remembers the time when I was purging daily often multiple times a day and it's like "nope, not going through that again"

I don't want tips on how get my gag reflex back or anything like that because that's not what this blog is about I just want to know if any of you have dealt with this? Where for years your body suddenly doesn't want to throw up anymore?

It's kind of ironic actually because when I was little up until now I hate getting the flu or when someone else getting the flu, having people gag or acting like they're going to throw up has and will forever gross me to the point where I sprint out of the room. (yes I've literally I've sprinted out of a room before because my brother was puking) Yet I can voluntarily force myself to throw up... I will never take epicac because I hate the feeling when you're about to throw up where your palms get all sweaty, your throat feels like it's closing in and you just know you're going to throw up is the worst part in throwing up in my opinion. When I had the flu when I was younger I'd always do anything to not throw up I would get so anxious when I felt like I was going to puke because I hate it so much.

There's something about when I made myself throw up is I felt better when I myself was forcing the action instead of my body forcing it on it's own, Does that make sense? I felt like I had control when I was purging, control that very few had.

This has turned into a whole other thing than for what I previously planned to write about but I think just being with these mean theatre kids set me off in a way that I didn't exactly realize until now.