What's the point of this cycle?

I get asked this question all the time and every time, I freeze in almost shock of the question given to me. It's kindof ironic because last week in therapy we talked about this very confusing question. "What happens when you get to 85, you'll want to keep going lower so what are you striving for?" Paraphrasing what my therapist asked me and I didn't have an answer, i wish I did.... I really do. 

I bet you guys don't know either. All we know is it makes us feel better. All I know is I crave the sensations that come with starving myself because it's the best "high" I could ever get from anything else so even though its destructive. 

It actually makes me feel better by hurting myself. I know to people who don't understand may think we're all just complete pyscho but it's the honest to god truth. I know that when it comes to my disorders I get very defensive because it's my coping mechanism and I don't want my "comfort" to go away. 

It's not just a coping mechanism though, it's also a very sneaky illness that when your at your weakest moment it attaches onto you and it NEVER lets go which is called an ADDICTION! I can't imagine my eating not being controlled on a daily basis, I don't even know what that would look like. 

I'll always want something lower, I don't know what'll happen when I get to my goal weight because I'll want to do more than I previously done. I hate saying I don't know what will happen next. What happens if I never get to the weight I want? 

What's the point of the same thing day in, day out of the same mind frame for 3 1/2 years. What did it really accomplish? 

NOTHING! I realize this very much but I can't stop and it's honest to god so confusing when your asked by people what is this cycle for when you really just don't know anymore, it's just an addiction more than anything which is where I'm at. 

Let me just tell you, it fucking sucks to be here! I can't express to you how hard it is to constantly have the same though process all day everyday for 3 1/2 years. It absolutely sucks to feel like a complete failure determined by caloric intake. 

I hate the cycle, I hate focusing on food, I hate thinking of a morsels of food as a end all be all of my day. At the same time it's so much easier than dealing with regular life. It really is so contradicting because there are times where your like "what the fuck am I doing to myself, like I could die from this, you know that's scary." Then the second your logical brain comes in your ED thoughts bombard and in a moment your thinking "why would I want to get better?" 

It's the most illogical mental illness that I've witnessed in my opinion. When will I finally wake up and realize this isn't what I want? I don't want to be a wife or especially a mother still dealing with this. 

I realize how much time I wasted achieving nothing but a 15 pound weight loss and stuffing my past issues down for years. What's the end result? 

I have no idea and I'm terrified of finding out because that means losing the twisted comfort of this disease but I still don't want to live the rest of my life like this. Do you want to live a life just existing or actually living like you were supposed to? 

Is it awful that Imits such a terrifying prospect to have to choose between the two? I'm not ready to deal with my past. Will I ever be?