Theatre (part 1)

From my last short post the weight gain was obviously from a cause and that cause was my period which is in turn cause the inevitable terrible bad body image because the scale went up a couple pounds.

Onto today's shit hole and I'm not just exaggerating. Theatre isn't at all what I thought it would be and the people treated me like I wasn't needed and I wasn't really "important" to them.

I'm actually going to make 2 parts because this is way too long to make it all in one part. Anyway the shortest way I could put it is this, I know nothing that has to do with costumes or making them or whatever and my crew mates or whatever you call them aren't exactly welcoming. I mean they're nice but not welcoming as far as the directional/communication part of it. One thing that my teacher told me that is very true about me is that I'm very guarded and I shut down and I know that but the difficult thing is I don't really know I'm doing it but it obviously doesn't make it an excuse in any way.

I feel better talking to her about that situation but not to make this a poor me party but I can't help but wonder if there's something about me that nobody seems to like, I'm not talking specifically about theatre but pretty much all the activities I've been involved in haven't worked out because of one thing- bullies. I don't understand what's so wrong with me that either my parents or I have to have confrontation with the coach and every time it feels as shitty as the last one.

I definitely think what part of the meltdown was by just being through the situations that are so similar just triggered something in me that made me have a emotional breakdown that I had. I'm not a quitter and I don't quit in the middle of something, it wouldn't be fair for the whole play because even if I feel like I'm not really important in the process the teacher picked certain amount of people to be apart of a specific role such as crew and I don't want to quit something for a stupid play that literally is only shown 3 times and it's done. 

After the conversation with the teacher I felt better but I felt like shit because I just don't understand why things like this keep happening. It was really hard not to think about my past experiences that involve people not liking me and it's really hard when you think or you know people don't like you because you can't help thinking what's wrong with you, ya know? 

I'm still apart of it and I want to finish what I started because it's almost like the easy way out and that's not me at all. I want to finish it so that's what I'm going to do. Wish me lunch until November 15th when the play ends!