I remember in 5th grade I remember thinking to myself "What does this mean not having recess, what am I going to do now?" I've always wondered about the unknown like pretty much everybody who is growing up or trying something new but I think it really hit me that growing up wasn't something to be anxiously awaiting for from my first step into middle school. 6th grade.
I've never liked change, big change at least. Being spontaneous is not me at all, not to say that growing up isn't spontaneous necessarily but being spontaneous means change and change is scary.
Growing up is inevitable I know that but it doesn't mean that I can't be terrified but I do wonder if all this anxiety is me being just a baby about it because EVERYONE grows up it's not just like I'm the only going through it. No matter what physically and mentally throughout your whole entire life, you change and grow, that's life. I wonder If that's why I hate my body so much. I'm scared of it changing, not being in control of my body while everything else is just zooming by and I not having a chance to say goodbye. So my body is the only thing I can control, no matter what I have my body to control.
My mom wants me to get a car so I can have a job which is understandable but since I'm almost 17 she's really really pushing it and we've gotten in plenty of screaming matches over the drama of me being terrified of even thinking about driving, having a job and everything that being more responsible entails and her being hellbent on doing what she wants me to do and be NORMAL.
I know for a fact that she will never admit this but I think she's pushing this so hard is because she's ashamed of me and It's her last "milestone" of mine where she can control me even more because next year I'm going to be an adult and off to college. She'll always be my mom but she won't have the same power over me anymore and I feel like she finally wants me to do something right this time.
My dad doesn't want me to get a car and have a taste of independence as my mom puts it because I'm his little girl and he doesn't want to see me grow up which I love him for so I don't have 2 of them jumping down my throat :) Just kidding.
My 2 brothers, they're younger than me but I feel like their doing everything that a typical, normal kid should do. Make friends easily, extroverts, playing sports (not flip flopping from one thing to another because they were being bullied because I'm not fitting in).
I feel like I'm not what my mom wanted me to be and right now I'm not going to argue with her about the car situation because It'll make it clearer to her that in her eyes she failed at her job as a mother because I'm so screwed up and she's grateful that her 2 boys are normal and have everything that I didn't have, the popularity, interest in new things, spontaneity etc.
I'm ashamed of myself. Do you know how bad I want to be like my 13 year old brother?! He's 3 1/2 years younger than me and I want everything that he has. I even told him that but I don't think he understands how much I mean it. To me he has is it perfect and he's blessed to have everything he does.
I think I'm done now, I could write probably 3 more pages but I'll save you all misery.
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