2 weeks into summer

So far it's been not even a month into summer and it's not at all what I wanted or pictured for myself. I knew I would be lonely, I knew that long before summer began but I can't help but feel like a failure that I can't even keep friends and I'm incapable of even knowing what the word friend means. Feeling this way only 2 weeks into summer honestly scares me. I'm not ready for the responsibility of getting a job which my mom thinks it's an automatic social scene which in a way it is but no one understands how hard it is to get to know somebody when all you know is when you get too close to a person the person decides to slowly drift away from me or I find myself trying to get out of the friendship because I'm scared they'll leave me first so I would much rather leave them to save me the grief and heartache than I already have had plenty of. Usually it's the latter and I know that's not right but to me it seems much easier.


This guy that I have been talking to for a little over a week or so now is invited to two parties in one weekend which is awesome and evidently both of the girls go to our school which I don't have a problem with because we're nothing more than friends because he's not ready for a relationship right now after his last one and I'm fine with having a guy friend. He's the guy that's friends with everybody and I think that's why I like him so much because he doesn't really care as long as your a good person that's all he cares about and I respect him for that because a lot of guys aren't like that.

Both of the girls are in my grade and I don't really know them so I don't really have a reason to be upset about that necessarily but it is sad that I don't have that kind of relationship with someone who lives here at least.

I don't understand how my brother can make friends so easily and continue to be friends with them throughout the years. Boys are different than girls in social areas but it doesn't make me feel any less comforted in the fact that I'm not like everybody else and I'm not good at making and keeping friends and relationships. In my defense it's not really my fault because 3 of my friends from 6th grade all moved which I obviously don't blame them for that but It's hard for me because they all have their new friends and it's very hard for me to do the same because I crave to find sort of a replica of them because their not here anymore.

I don't really know what to think right now but I'm kind of sad and somewhat scared of what is yet to come of this summer. A lot of wonderful things are happening but in my world it's very secluded and full of the unknown and that's what scares me.