Dear ED, we have a sort of difficult relationship all-consuming and at times confusing, you are my best friend but also my worst enemy I'll tell you why...You have gotten me through a lot of rough times and for that i'm grateful but also you have planted a seed in my brain, a parasite that wants to eat my alive, a tick that wants to suck the life out of me and having nothing left to define me except for a number. At the same time you are a melancholy crutch, a comfort that can't be filled with anything else. Your my blanket to cover my eyes when i'm scared, a kleenex to wipe my tears and for that i'm grateful, you made me not feel but also you've ridden experiences and events that I don't want to feel numb and disassociated from the world.
There are times where i want to be numb and that's one thing that you're really good at providing for me but there are also times where i want to live not dreading about something that you don't want me to do. I know you'll go hell and high water to keep me in your life and often times i get stuck in that web and thinking i need you to stay alive. Right now i'm stuck in that web and it seems impossible to get out. I'm having a hard time depending on you for what i think i need...to feel numb, get away from painful emotions that i don't want to feel, filling a void that you're so great at filling.
I love and hate you ED for understandable reasons i do desperately want you of my life you're a life destroying obsession. I don't want to be a part of you but i am...you're so well at tricking me with your lies. Your a 24 hour 7 day a week kind of job ED. At times i crave your attention others i want you to go to hell where you belong. I thank you for showing me who real friends are, supportive people around me to help to get rid of you. You've taught me some good and some bad but most importantly you've taught me how badly i want to actually live and not just exist.
Love and hate, (my name)
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