Lower but not enough...
This weekend I was 93.6 which i didn't think it was possible for the scale to actually changed because i've maintained for the longest time. Today was a fucked up school schedule so that means my eating was all fucked up... I had a PB&J sandwich my mom usually packs for me and 2 bags of oven baked lays chips, a bag of goldfish and i was all anxious during school cause i don't know how much i gained, when i got home it was 94.9 and that's not bad but could be better cause yesterday I was 94.6. I had 787 calories by the time i got home from school and part of me was like "fuck it i ate too many calories anyway so eat whatever you want and don't eat tomorrow". So when i got home i had an additional 645 calories and i'm so full i feel like a umpalumpa in the damn circus, i was actually about to involuntarily throw up because i was so full i wanted to try to puke but my gag reflex hates me and i couldn't. I'm going to exercise tonight and hopefully i'll be able to pass without dinner because my families kindof all over the place tonight.
Next week i have finals and i'm really nervous about the 2 classes that i have a C in because that means i have to get a good grade on both of the finals in order to pass the class. Finals are 15% percent of our grade! ahhh! I'll be fine though, the only thing i'm worried about more than finals is having to eat a decent normal amount in order to do well on my finals. So for like 3 days i will have to eat to get through finals. I'm just ready for them to be over already!
This might sound kind of weird but to be honest i feel this sense of comfort when i'm starving and bingeing... I don't know why... like i feel like the behaviors are kind of like friends and they are there when no one else is... I don't have very many friends that accept me for me and i know they will never leave me... I was thinking this when i was bingeing today like i can decide what i do after i binge and no one can tell me not to. Does anyone else feel this way?
No comments:
Post a Comment