8th grade

After 7th grade everything changed and not for the better all up until then my worries about food and weight kind of disappeared but then in August it suddenly came to a very disturbing head. It all started with throwing up my school lunches and then it morphed somehow into bingeing and purging then before i knew it, it turned into calorie counting, over exercising, bingeing and purging. I was very, very sneaky i would hide cuts, food and lie and cheat and it wasn't the person i wanted to be but i couldn't stop. I remember specifically when my parents found out or started noticing my obsession with food, it was after my brothers football game and we went to a restaurant and i got a salad and after i went to the bathroom to puke and i forgot to flush...my mom went in after me and saw my secret in the toilet bowl. I was petrified i was sobbing saying "please don't take this away from me" i was so scared of losing the thing that i wanted the most taken away. By that point i was cutting and purging every once in awhile, there was a point where i was cutting, bingeing and purging everyday. When i told them at first my friends were very supportive an so was everyone else but then one day at lunch i was trying to purge and my friend Rachel said "Well fine go but don't expect me to be at your funeral" that was literally heartbreaking and i was upset at myself because i felt like and still do feel like i don't deserve to be worried about. I'm going to skip most of my 8th grade year just too painful to talk about but i will tell you when i went to the mental hospital. The short reason why i wanted to kill myself there's more that went into it but i'm not going to get into that. My mom saw these texts from this girl saying that i wanted to kill myself and we talked and cried and that literally was the worst three days of my life. I went to school the next day it was a day like any other but in 3rd hour my world stopped, my teacher picked up the phone and told me that i was leaving and i had no idea what was happening when i came out to the car my mom said "We're going to Sarah's" (my therapist at the time) so i told her what happened and that therapy appointment changed my whole outlook on life! After she talked to me Sarah called my mom in and told her that i needed to go to the hospital, i immediatly lost it when she told me that...so i went to the hospital or the E.R. all day full of needles, doctors and anxiety. I was finally admitted to the closest mental hospital. I remember one woman and one man came into the room and came in a van to pick me up. It was scary looking van with bullet proof doors and on my way i sobbed the entire way there when i got there they took my vitals and i had a room and at first i was scared but then i realized this is what i needed...I felt safe and i felt like everyone understood me and i understood them and i felt accepted. I still have the papers and stuff...when i got out i defenitly didn't take anything for granted i realized that if i did succeed i wouldn't get to have Christmas with my family.(The best Christmas ever!) Then graduation it was more than just graduating from middle school to high school it meant so much more to me than that. I made it through the hardest years of my life and that's something that i'm really proud of.