raw and real feelings

All I want is to be my own version of perfect. I want to be thin. I'm currently maintaining my weight. I don't want that to be the case. My body never changes. Yeah my hipbones stick out a little more but it's not good enough. It's never good enough. Something that I've noticed and somewhat am trying to ignore the fact that my "goal weight" or what is acceptable to maintain at if that makes sense.

I just don't understand how hard it is to not lose weight how I want to and have my body change in the ways I want it to or is acceptable in my eyes. I just hate my body, there's no way around that. It honestly bugs me so much to the point where I just want to scream and cry.

I'm not who I want to be and it makes me afraid that I will never be able to achieve it. I want to be perfect and I don't understand why I can't be. I'm numb. I feel dead inside and outside. My brain is not normal. My body is not normal. My whole being is not normal and I fucking hate it.