running

Today I went to cross country practice and I did better! I ran to where our goal spot was a mile separate not together and I ran back 1/2 a mile not together I maybe walked 15 minutes total which isn't bad but could be better. There are a lot of encouraging and nice people in my cross country group and it's comforting that they aren't complete bitches like cheerleaders are but even then it's hard to put myself out there and talk to people. since I ran twice yesterday and ran today my legs are so sore I literally can't walk down the stairs. I'm not going tomorrow because I don't even want to be more sore tomorrow I stretched a lot and drank water which is supposed to help with soreness but I don't want to be any more sore than I am right now I literally could barely move earlier today and I don't think it's worth being paralyzed of soreness, it's not mandatory or anything it's just summer practice but it's optional practices until school starts.


I still need to run an hour and a half according to my "makeup" for my vacation and I need to burn 2,457 calories after that which I decided won't count as running it'll just be whatever exercise I do that day or just anything that counts as some form of working out.


I figured all this out 2 nights before we left to come home if anyone was wondering I just didn't make numbers up.

I felt really lonely a little while ago and i'm currently studying for my drivers test that I failed like a month and a half ago and I have to take it again :( ughh!! it seriously sucks I don't even want to drive but my mom says I just have to take the test I don't have to drive but I literally have no motivation to even study because I don't want to have any part of driving, i'm not good being motivated to do anything that i'm not wanting to do!

I got sidetracked but then I got in a fight with my mom about I don't even remember what and she said "go give me your phone i'm taking your phone away" so I went and gave it to her and I said "I don't care no one texts me anyway I have no friends" then I went to do an online practice test for my driving test because I knew that's what she wanted me to do and I didn't want to push her buttons and I failed after the 3rd try and I don't know why I started crying I just sat in the guest room by myself crying.

Then my mom told me to come upstairs so I did and I wasn't visibly upset but she said that i'm hurting which is true I mean this summer has so far been the lonliest and saddest summer I've ever had. when I was doing my online practice test I realized how much summer is left and how much lonlier i'm going to be which I know I have more friends but she was my CLOSEST friend and I now have nobody. I texted with a couple friends and it was good to catch up I miss seeing people from school. My mom said to text my friends and she's right I mean I should but I just want my friends to care enough like I do to text me first.

I always text them first and I don't know I just want to know that someone cares about me enough to reach out for me first and just have one person besides Elise who is very toxic and I want a non toxic friend who genuinely cares enough to text me first. I want someone to care enough to text me first, when I text them first I notice that they're happy to here from me but if they seem so happy to hear from me then why don't they text me first?

I'm sick of working so hard at friendships, I want someone to fight for MY friendship for once.

probably most of my sadness and ramblings is because I haven't taken my medication in a couple days

oops!