Journal from camp: Thursday July 17th 2014

This is my second to last full day at camp and I have to say i'm ready to go home. I love the people here they're so nice and I love the environment here. I've been learning and thinking a lot about God this trip, obviously i'm a church camp! But seriously, i'm happy that I came. This trip has taught me a lot about god and just life in general. I learned that I am lion, independent and controlling and I think that's a fair assumption. Friday afternoon we go home and i'm excited but kind of nervous that my experimentation with God will no longer be on my priority list. I have a lot going on and so mnay emotions running through me and i'm scared of these feelings. I'm not used to feeling them, I push tdhem away before I have to chance to deeply connect with them. I won't lie, I've had countless thoughts of hurting myself. I know that's not a good thing to think of but i'm very tempted to find relief and it took me awhile to understand but I now I think I know, i'm going to get kind of godly now, I guess church camp does that to you. Because i'm constantly trying to get to know god and talking about him every day all day, my bad thoughts are getting stronger because if I find safety and comfort through god I won't be able to be as accountable to destructive behavior. If any of that makes sense. My bad thoughts are trying to build a barrier around my wonder of god. I haven't cut but I think my eating disorder is worse than my self-harm is at this point. I just have to remind myself that I deserve a relationship with God and I need to attempt as hard as it may be, push those barriers down and pull god closer.