Happy 4th!

This post was written yesterday but I was at a party so I couldn't post it. I will write about the party later

Happy 4th of July! So far it's been uneventful yet a lot of thinking which seems to be a reoccurring event when I just have my thoughts and nothing else to keep me occupied. The start of the summer hasn't been very good regarding my social life and my eating habits have taken a sharp turn for the worse that I didn't really know existed. It makes me realize how much emotionally i'm relying on this to just get me through a simple day. There's no doubt that this year has been filled with feelings and emotions that were overwhelming and felt like they were too much to handle. Which there's no point in denying your emotions but according to all the things my family and I have gone through, I think I have a pretty valid reasons to have such a intensity of feelings. Life is life and feelings will always be there no matter how hard you try to run away from them because they are too scary or you just simply don't want to feel any intensity of emotion that you just ignore it. I might sound hypocritical because I whether consciously or subconsciously most of the time subconsciously run away or "numb" with destructive behavior. Now that i'm starting cross country I have slowly found that i'm getting entrenched in the exercises and goals the coaches encourage us to attempt. it didn't help that my mentality was out of whack when I was calculating numbers for about 30 minutes 2 nights before we were leaving from vacation because I knew after a week of eating normally or what my parents accepted that I would have to "makeup" a week's worth of failure. That means a lot of exercise and less food.

I'm just hoping my persistence and obsessiveness towards exercise and food intake will subside when my "makeup" session has been successful. Which until a couple days ago I am getting afraid that my makeup session will no longer be a makeup session and will be a persistent and ongoing routine. Which I have discovered, when I was calculating my running calories according my calculations I had to do 10 hours of running and somehow I allowed myself to cut that number in half to only 5 and right now i'm 2 hours and 15 minutes of running including cross country and running on my own.

My mind has now been thinking I will be cheating if I don't do the full 10 hours I at the beginning decided  will be sufficient enough to calm my nerves.

Luckily that thought was short lived and switched it back to 5 which i'm thankful for my mind allowing that change because that would be absolutely ridiculous to do ten hours just for gratification of a damn number.

I don't exactly know where this is going, it's just a jumble of ramblingness.

What are you all doing for the 4th? if you celebrate that of course :)

I would love to hear or read any of your comments or questions and I would be more than happy vto answer. But then again there's nothing wrong with silent readers.

If you don't want to comment or ask any questions on here you can ask on my tumblr account

ultrademilover.tumblr.com

cause i'm a ultra demi lover! :)