Control has been an issue
control over how I was born
control over everyone and everything
interesting concept
I control my food
it's not about losing weight
it never was
control was my issue
sense of safety among a thing
food is the only thing that I can control
I'm scared
of losing
what I already have
don't you see?
this is a part of me
don't want to lose
the thing
that's been there for me
all along
Speaking is hard
eating is hard
breathing
is questionable at times
when you feel so invisible
no one will care
no one will notice when you are gone
they never cared enough anyway
i'm not crazy
I try to tell myself
i'm just a teenager
trying to find a way
but the fact is
I am crazy
crazy to not eat
crazy to hurt myself
crazy enough to have no friends
it gets worse
before it gets better
ED wants all his control over me
until soon his voice will be silenced
he will die
when I suddenly learn
how to live life
without him
the voice is now gone
with the faint noise of life
coming through
ED will fight his way in
when I finally learn to value
myself and how to cope with life
he is adamant on keeping me
to his evil world
then I will be stuck
in his destructive grip
once again
Someone give me peace
give me strength
to fight my demons
they know how to swim
they are smart
will wait for the right moment
to attack
when I finally
find peace
with my own thoughts
in my head
Little girl in the corner
silence surrounds me
people fill the room
still feels more lonely than ever
it's interesting
when you can feel so alone
in a room filled with people
Staring
at the skinny legs
wishing I had those
gorgeous legs
that everyone is jealous of
my legs are covered
in fat and cellulite
I just want to be pretty
is that too much to ask?
to see what everyone else
sees in me
I didn't mean for this to happen
I hope you know
I didn't mean to hurt anyone
lost in my own mind
all I want
is for people to understand
for my mind to stop spinning
with destructive thoughts
day in and day out
I love you both
I hope you know
Doctor after doctor says
"how are you feeling?"
watch schizophrenics go to the quiet room
where they don't hear the voices
I shouldn't be here
i'm not that crazy
I try not to say out loud
then again in your own mind
becomes rational
for just a split second
and my mind goes
"you need to be here"
when you realize
you cut your emotions skin deep
purge up all my sanity
and starve away all the names
I suddenly realize
that I belong here
in a mental ward
is where I belong
ED is silent here
I like this place
he has no control over me
here
skin and bones
hunger a lovely feeling
messed up I know
this is what I crave
You don't understand
how much I want
to live a normal life
instead of calories and numbers
it's happy dreams
where happiness consumes me
as I lay there
with my hipbones
covered with skin
like a normal hum
I don't want to be a shell
I want to live like a normal teenager
where food is a blessing
not a sin
something that I am
not mortified to admit
you don't understand
how much
I've dreamed
Doors open
at all times
picture frames
no glass
hospital bed
emotions shattered like glass
all I want
is to be happy and free
from the thing that is destroying me
I don't mean to hurt anyone
believe me this isn't what I expected either
the voice is just too strong
to let me go
i'm sorry
I can't
help myself
but right now i'm not me
i'm being controlled by an evil soul
please save me
before it's too late
all I want
is to eat like any
regular human would
I want to exercise for fun
not to burn calories
ED controls me now
I can't retriete out of my own mind
for any length of time
it always comes back
in a force that
is too strong to bare
I never want you to feel
like I don't love you
and care for you
I love you
I want you all to know
this isn't me
a demon has taken me away
and refuses to set me free
i'm sorry
I might not physically show it
but I love you with all my heart
Happy mother's day
I know you will always stay
you've been there with me
through everything
I couldn't be more grateful
even when I am sometimes hateful
you taught me so much
you are the rock
you are a hard worker
a great mother
I love you
happy mothers day
I'm a shameful secret
that you try with every ounce of your strength
to hide from the world
no sound
no breath
invisible
dead to the world
no point in hiding the facts
despicable human being
i'm sorry
I don't know what to say
at 15 this isn't what
I pictured for myself
broken and manic
in every which way
this isn't what I wanted
i'm done
lost forever
I feel like i'm living a lie
dajavue
go to school
come home
say what i'm supposed to say
do what's right
Legs cramping
heart burning
tears bounce off your cheek
I don't want to do this anymore
but at the same time
I want to feel my bones
my ribs protruding
through my translucent skin
I want both
the sad reality is
I can't have both
pulling between two continents
the continent of life and death
of the world
the continent of life
is calling my name
can my feel let me?
travel that far?
life is waiting for me
to seek my potential
in a non-destructive world
I want both
the sad reality is
I can't have both
pulling between two continents
the continent of life and death
of the world
the continent of life
is calling my name
can my feel let me?
travel that far?
life is waiting for me
to seek my potential
in a non-destructive world
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