what my ED behaviors mean to me *possible trigger warning*

each of the behaviors stand for something and each of them stand for something different.

restricting

Restricting is what i normally do but there is a time when i "need" this behavior to starve away (literally) the emotions that i am feeling and being able to feel numb and lethargic which comes into play when you deprive your body of nutrients that your body obviously needs.

 

 

 

Examples: when i feel like i need control, i have control issues and i always have since i was little and i guess somehow along the way i found food as a way to control the world around me.

 

Starving myself seems safe for the time being. It feels good i love the high and weakness it gives me, i look at it as punishing my body for unnecessary or bad behavior that i believe i did. 

 

 

Bingeing

I kind of said it all in the last post but i'll go in more detail here. Bingeing for me is a way to change or sort of shifts my thinking to something physical that i'm lacking to something physical like food. i notice this behavior most when i'm having friendships problems or abandonment issues because i fill emotional pain with food. For me the urge comes suddenly and urgently and like i need food i need food now and i don't really have time to think it's just food food and more food. For the time being it does help suppress my loneliness and kind of not feel so hopeless about the situation and brings me back to earth a little bit.

 

 

Examples: when i'm missing something/someone that isn't physically here or something in the physical sense so i turn the emotional pain with something physical

 

 

i've noticed i tend to binge when i have a lot of anxiety, it kind of calms me down and lets me breathe more easily

 

 

Purging

i don't really connect a emotion with this one but i purge either because i binged before hand or ate a meal that i didn't find acceptable to eat or sometimes i just like the high it gives me it makes me feel like i achieved something that no one knows i do like my little secret.

 

 

Examples: After i purge i feel so much better and i almost feel the anxiety lifting from me and i feel a adrenaline rush running through my body and i love that.

 

 

I get really bad anxiety when i eat something i new wasn't right so i just purge to get rid of it

 

 

when i binge halfway through when i "wake up" and realize how many wrappers are around me and what i've done i just think "oh well fuck it i can get rid of it so i can just keep going"

 

 

I hope those are helpful or relatable in someway i might put a trigger warning up top because this may be triggering to some.