Poems

Past of lies, cheating and distrust

I don't have any reason

to trust anyone

this pile of blood

you see is my demons

and thoughts, it's not blood, its pain

when the memories

flood my head

the razor is there

when no one else is

when I want to quit

fighting my demons

my razor keeps me alive

 

 

Lingering thoughts consume me

what to be free

from my own mind

I want to be normal and perfect

will you show me how?

 

 

surviving on 500 calories a day

thoughts that never go away

please help me

save me from myself

 

I'm sorry

i'm not the person

you wanted to be around

i'm sorry i'm so imperfect

i'm sorry mom and dad

that you're stuck

with me forever

I know you would

choose any girl

but me

who would want

to be a screwed up

sister, daughter, friend?

I wouldn't i'm sorry the way I am

I truly am sorry

 

I hate myself

i'm such a disgrace to the world

i'm sorry mom and dad

you don't like me

who would want

a cutter and anorexic

as a wife?

I'll never be loved or accepted

 

 

Friendships

friendships come and go

but some will always stay

but you, you know matter what

I love my friends

they teach me

to have fun, laugh and smile

I thank them

for getting out

of my disastrous mind

for a little while

 

 

I don't want to die

but if I was in a

life or death situation

I wouldn't choose life

i'm sorry i'm so difficult

so i'm going to save you

all the heartache

and go peacefully

 

 

the memories and lies

eating me up inside

I can't do this anymore

I want all the voices to stop

the after life

seems so much easier

then the hell of life

 

as the sun beat low

among the horizon

there was a girl

who stepped outside

to get away from everything

she found a 9 year old girl

named Ashley

she's a ghost

she says only herself

can see her

she says Ashley's

her only friend

 

 

Swirling leaves

danced around

as she played

with her cousins

and piled each other

in leaves

 

Beneath the stars and skies

is a world

we often don't understand

full of pain and heartache

and thoughts

swirling around in my head

filled with darkness

to remind me

of how lonely

and broken I really am.

 

Festive lights all around

between maples and oaks

I wonder like during the holidays

when everybody likes eachother

and we forget

pain and darkness

where life

isn't hurt or pain

I wonder

what it's like

to be happy

cause I forgot

what it's like

to be happy

to be happy

when i'm not supposed to

 

the empty park bench

and the stars bare branches

reminded him of life

being stripped

of emotion

and being numb

from them

he says

that tree branch will be him

when he's not

constantly numb

 

faces light up

filled with delight

as they see me

genuinely happy

and not numb

from my emotions

and they see me

a happy girl

and i'm actually

living not just surviving

 

crisp leaves cracked beneath

my feet as I was walking

peacefully around a pond

seeing nature

and smelling the air

 

a friend is a flower

they bloom each day

they're always

by your side

 

lost in the dark

or more rather

in a hole

and I can't see

my way out

lost in the dark

don't understand

please help me

find my way

back to life

 

I hate myself

i'm a terrible person

what's wrong with me?

I'm such an awful

disgusting human being

I don't understand

how anyone likes me

how can people like me?

when I absolutely hate myself?

 

I've lost myself

to this awful disease

it ruins people's lives

this disease called depression

no one deserves

to feel the pain

that i'm going through

I wouldn't wish this on anyone

it ruins your life in one second

can you take my problems?

I don't want them anymore...

 

help me, help me, help me

i'm destroying myself

and I don't see a way out

please help me

before I break

 

Nature can be a way

of expressing yourself

you can go outside

if you need time alone

to just get away

you also have a better attitude

and outlook on yourself

when you're outside

you can go

and do whatever

and go wherever you want

 

lost in a quiet moment

I lay there with darkness around me

Ana's grip is just too strong

I can't seem

 to make her strong grip disappear

she seeps through my veins

like poisin

sooner or later

she will send me to my grave

 

lost in a quiet moment

getting rid of my demons

blood on the floor

those are my demons

in a pile of blood

no I feel numb

the moment of bliss

matching the inside to the outside

physical pain

is so much easier to deal with

that's why I do it

to get rid of

emotional pain

that's why I cut

to feel something

but at the same time

to feel numb

 

it was only a year ago

when strange events began

that's when my demons

took over

stuck in a web now

I can't seem to be set free

where my blood on the floor

is my demons

stuck in a web

and you just get deeper and deeper

you don't see yourself living with it

you see that you are it

 

flowers all around

Friendships last forever

Chocolate waterfalls

That would be a perfect world

 

my thoughts control me

kids so innocent

waiting for Christmas morning

family, presents and decorations

I have such a love

for Christmas

 

love is in the air

people care so much

I often don't understand why

but i'm so thankful

 

thanksgiving is a time to be thankful

thankful for all we have

family friends and even heartache

because they shape us into who we are today

 

words he said to me

brought me down

like cement

so afraid

so scared

don't know

what to do

words he spoke

oh, those awful words

he spoke

the memories

are a dagger in my heart

the only way to get rid

of those awful words

is to dive in my world

of self-destruction

and drown in my pain

 

if you only knew

what I go through

on a daily basis

you would admit

to what you said to me

be a man

and say your sorry

but of course

you're not a man

you're a little boy

that is afraid

of getting in trouble

I suggest you grow some balls

oh wait,

you don't have any

sorry I forgot

cause if you did

you would apologize

 

I can't believe

I thought you would apologize

I hope you realize

what you've done to me

you probably won't

but you will one day

when we meet in hell

 

sitting here

so innocent

at that moment

I was just

a little girl

in a matter

of months I grew up

full of problems

memories and pain

that no 13 year old

should ever go through

let alone think about

a 13 year old girl

who was happy and excited

about life

now 15 years old

wishing her life

would end

 

love, a simple word

a word that we often

don't understand

we all want to be

loved and accepted

it's difficult

to find your way in this world

when this world is so big

so many people telling you

what to do and how to do them

finding our path

in this world

is challenging

you will get on the path

and get knocked off

but eventually

you will find your way

in this world

 

as the first, crisp breeze

of autumn blew...

all across the grass

blowing everywhere

kids playing

happily in the leaves

no worries

about anything

just playing in the leaves

without a care in the world

cold air

all around

cool breeze

blowing in our faces

fall is leaves

and cold air

pretty soon

it will be winter

fall is cool

fall is inbetween

winter and summer

not to hot

not to cold

that's what I love

about fall