living in ed's world

hello everyone, I titled this post of what my blog is named of because it has described my life recently, i'll start off with my mom we were in the car going somewhere and she asked me what I do at lunch because she knows that I don't eat with my friends and i'm not sure if I wrote about what happened on here but anyway yes she knows now and she asks me every couple of weeks or so what I do or where I go at lunch and she told me she doesn't understand why I don't eat lunch with my friends or at all.

It's interesting because honestly I know exactly why I don't want to but I do understand why my mom doesn't, I love my friends and I do want to hangout with them but when it comes to food and my eating disorder I would choose my eating disorder. It's not that i'm scared to eat in front of them or whatever I can't purge anymore and I can't handle eating a full meal and I know if I eat anything less than they will ask questions and it's just simpler and less complicated when I just do things my way even if it means missing out on my social life.

This is why I don't share any of this with my mom because she won't understand and she'll say "oh god murphy you're being ridiculous" and maybe it is a little bit ridiculous but it's how I think and I can't help it. I don't expect anyone who doesn't suffer from a ED to understand because it's not something that anyone should really understand, eating disorders suck and they ruin your life. Also this morning I knew I had to do a lot of exercising because I ate way to much yesterday and it's gross and unacceptable so I have to workout a ton and so this morning in my phone I had a plan of how much and what type of exercise I was going to do and it was weird because I have felt anxious about not calculating it right or doing it fast enough but today I was so anxious and I don't remember feeling that anxious in a really long time. I have this rule I don't know if anyone else has this rule but I have to exercise as much as I eat if that makes sense and if I haven't burned all the calories off that day than it turns over to the next day and if I eat anything before I burned all of what i'm supposed to off than however many calories I eat it adds to however many calories I have to burn. I don't know if that made sense but I've had that rule since the beginning of 8th grade.

This guy today told me that he likes my hipbones and he never really talked to me ever and I couldn't tell if it was a compliment or a insult but i'm guessing a insult cause he was kindof laughing and he kindof sounded sarcastic also. I don't know so that was kindof triggering but maybe it was a compliment I don't know but according to how my brain works it's a insult. I really just wish I could take it as a compliment and leave it but no my brain always has to switch my thinking and I don't know it's just frustrating.

living in ed's world is not glamorous it ruins your life and makes you antisocial and make a possible compliment into a complete insult and makes you anxious over the stupidest things.
blah I have play practice tonight so i'm excited to go i'm really excited! Hopefully that'll get me out of the wrath of ED for 2 hours.