Thursday in English we were reading a poem, I forgot what it's called but it was something about how african americans are hiding behind a "mask" during the harlem renaissance period. What we were discussing in class was about how that poem relates to most people in society, we all wear metaphorical masks that we hide behind.
I wear my "mask" 24/7 to protect others from my irrational thoughts that plague my mind all day every day.
It has become normal for me to wear my mask all the time. It's too risky to have my true self exposed. I would risk losing all that I've tried so hard to keep intact for going on 4 years now. It's too risky losing my control but more importantly I would risk being fat. I would rather die than be fat. That's the honest to god truth.
My mask is also manipulative in a way that I can't sometimes even contain. You become lying to lie once you get asked questions or get caught but then there becomes a time where it just becomes natural. It carries out of your mouth just soon as the question is posed to you. You become an expert at keeping your disorder a secret and there's a point where you have no choice but to hide it because you just simply can't risk it.
I just simply can't risk it. It's often exhausting wearing a constant mask of yourself. I realistically know who I am, I live in my head every day but I keep it intact enough to allow others to not witness my pain whether it's outwardly spoken or not.
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