Thoughts

*I'm going to put a little PSA for a reason, I don't want comments, emails, or whatever out of concern saying the stereotypical, cheesy statements telling me how I should and should not feel. I'm allowed to feel these intense and somewhat scary thoughts. I will get out of these thoughts. Thoughts don't necessarily mean having planned out. I DO NOT HAVE A PLAN! These are just thoughts that I choose to document because this is my blog and my life and I'm not going to aplogize or have to validate my feelings to people who don't know the full story. I always get through rough times, I always get through them and I will always have hope in that I will get through.*

That's my little PSA, if you choose to read or not, know that I am safe and okay. I feel more optimistic in this moment and I plan on continuing on. 

I'm trying so hard to find the ongoing joy of life, the only thing I can think of is my family which is a pretty damn good reason but I bet all of you can say "we need more than unconditional love." As humans it's an inevitable need and my need for someone preferably someone my age to take time out of their day to text me a simple "hi" or just get a text back. 

I need to know I'm loved knowing they don't have to be involved in my life but they WANT to be. That's all I ask for. What am I continuing to search for? This long weekend validated my feelings even more for what i need to continue to get up in the morning and not wanting to go right back to bed, because what's the point of living if you're not actually living? 

I wonder how my life will end up, I personally believe I will not make it as a productive member of society, parts of me wonder what I will turn out to be when I get out of high school, who will want me as my life long lover? I don't think I will ever find anybody that will be able to deal with me. 

I hate constantly waking up and thinking "what's the point of getting out of bed?" 

I'm productive when it comes to school but other than that I don't really have anything going for me. 

I feel like I'm just living for the people around me, i want to live, I do. But often I wonder what's the point? There's not point in living if I'm like this. 

I am not suicidal as of right now, these are just free floating thoughts meaning they come and go. I keep telling myself that I have meaning in this life, even when I'm not far enough in life to fully comprehend what tat something is. 

Life is really hard, especially when your in high school. 

If you're going through hell keep going right?