April... (BEDA day 1)

I forgot I had written twice about my 3 years ED-versary so i guess i'll put the "second" part down below.

It doesn't feel like it's been 3 year, the days go by so quickly. Obviously the ongoing thoughts about food and weight started out very faint and far apart but at the beginning of 8th grade was the trigger-zone and from then on it grew closer together and more descriptive and obsessive thoughts which got louder and louder every behavior I began to abuse my own body in ways i once thought were unfathomable.

I realize now going back to school in that building after my horrific year as a 7th grade sparked something inside me that I didn't really understand myself. My ED has gone through so many trials and many hoops to jump through as well as myself. I don't like to say my eating disorder has ruined my life or has deterred me in anyway because even if that may be true i don't regret all the things I've gone through with this. 

It has given me a sense of hope and drive to help others as well as as learn what it's like to be normal again. It gives me the power to destroy my body in a way that is uncontrollable but it also allows me to fully appreciate how strong my body is and learn what it's like to respect and love myself on a whole new level that normal people don't really get to experience fully. Throughout these 3 years I've grown so much as a person as well as a person dealing with an addiction. I'm hesitant to even admit to myself the word "addiction" or using actual names for the things i'm experiencing because part of me doesn't feel worthy of such a title.

I've also realized some not so good things physically and emotionally that comes along with an ED and getting help is a pain in the ass. Physically I have been feeling the affects of starvation including fatigue, heart palpitations, dizziness... the list goes on and on. Whenever i'm having a side effect of starvation i feel shitty but at the same time i'm proud that i'm "strong" enough for this to happen and it gives me validation that i'm getting good at anorexia. As messed up as that is that deems to be true. 

One thing that I can't help but say is this might be sort of a PSA but as most of you know about a year ago i was referred by my current therapist to see an ED specialist which turned out to be an absolute disaster which is actually really disappointing and it leaves me feeling kind of lost in terms of hope that it is possible to get better without weighing 80 pounds. Mental health services and insurance companies in my opinion are unfair and it's really sad that people have to sort of beg if you will to get their lives back. My mom says the only treatment she will be involved in with me was going back to my current therapist that I've had since 2013? or 2014 i don't remember. 

I trust him implicitly and does my mom which is why we all work really well together and she agreed to go back to seeing him with me. I do have a great therapist and I have hope with him.