2 1/2 months down the fucking drain...

I don't know if anyone here is aware but i've had pretty strong urges to self-harm over the weekend until today, today is Tuesday. There are a few things that contributed to them and 2 of them are pretty significant changes and events in my life. I abstained from any type of self-harm behaviors for like 3 days when the urges were getting unbearably strong. Yesterday i wanted to cut really bad during advisory but i wrote stay strong on my wrist and i'm really proud of myself because i've never used a "coping skill" i guess you could call it. 99% of the reason why i didn't do it was because i didn't have anything on me and the bell was about to ring to go home for the day. Today though i was feeling emotional and down and my resource teacher even said today that i was quiter than usual and she asked me if i was okay and i was like yeah and she said are you sure? and i said yes.

I don't even know what was wrong to be honest. Then when i was going to my class after lunch and i have scissors in my locker and i grabbed them and went to the bathroom, body checked and went into the stall and cut myself. It's not that bad but it gave me sort of a high, i don't know how to explain it. I made it 2 1/2 months without cutting! I'm really disappointed thought because i was basically forcing myself to get to my damn goal of 3 months. I haven't been able to go 3 months ever since school started in the middle of August. I'm really disappointed in myself actually... I just wish i can be normal and not cope with stupid shit but at the same time i kind of like it, when i binge, restrict and cut it's like a comfort and high that i can't explain unless you've experienced them yourself.

I love it and hate it at the same time. When i "binge" i put them in quotations because their not binges that consist of thousands of calories the maximum amount i binge is 700-800 calories. I classify my overeating as binging because when i do eat i feel like i can't control myself until i feel full. I like the numbness all these behaviors give me when i can't handle the world around me. I feel like my family is changing and i don't really like it at all. I just want my best friend here and i feel like i don't have any real friends but my behaviors give me the comfort of a friend when physically they're not around.