Tough love

"I can knock on your door a million times but you don't have to open it, i can encourage you to get better but only you can do that"


This is what my friend texted me 4 or 5 days ago...

We were talking about my eating disorder and how i'm slowly killing myself. It kills her to see me as fragile and desperate as i am, i love her to death for it because it shows someone can see past my happy complexion. She's curious and asks alot of questions which i know is her way of trying to help but when i read that text message above i feel this heaviness in my chest because it's so unbearably true, she demands that i get help before something bad happens which i don't know what that bad thing will be but she seems to have a pretty clear picture in her mind. Those words have been repeating in my head ever since my brain comprehended what i was reading. Realistically i know i can't live in a state of loneliness and literal hunger forever. Part of me despises this realization and convinces me otherwise. I don't want to live in despair, fear and sadness but oddly i kind of like it. There are times when i'm almost content being depressed because in a way it kind of blocks out reality. I don't remember what it's like to be genuinely happy but i'm not sure i want to find out either because that means i won't have any background noise. Background noise is all i've known. What happens when it's just me?

I've survived life this far, i just want to be okay and i don't know why i can't be.

The only thing that brings so much fear within me is realizing the only person that can save me is myself.

What if i'm not strong enough?

Am i willing to sacrifice my comfort for my emotional and physical health?

I don't know, i wish i did. I wish there was a cut and dry answer, unfortunately it's what i have to figure out for myself.