Bingeing thoughts

Tomorrow I have something to give to my best friend that is moving and tomorrow is our last time together before she moves and it's bittersweet but I'm planning to see her in July and in September for my late sweet 16 but it's all hitting me and I'm not looking forward to saying goodbye to my second family when I have no idea when I'm going to talk to them next I mean yeah we will still communicate it's just really different going from seeing each other every day in school and hanging out every month maybe more to not seeing or maybe even talking to her in a couple months. She's known to be a terrible texter but I know it's not personal at all it's just her haha :) It's just weird and i'm not really looking forward to this change but it is what it is. When I think about it and I start to realize more that this is really happening I start to get really depressed and while I was thinking about it today I started to think about wanting to binge like walking to all the fast food restaurants near my house and just buying all this food and just eating it and I can literally imagine it right now which might be weird to anyone reading this but it's the truth. I had this huge urge to just go but it was late and I knew no one would let me and most of them would already be closed so I didn't but I did end up bingeing on food in my house which isn't good and I thought about purging but I knew I couldn't because my gag reflex literally stopped working and I don't understand it but I plan to burn off all the calories tomorrow so that's good.

Now actually walking to all the fast food restaurants and eating all the food that I planned to eat earlier now doesn't seem at all appealing probably because I just ate a ton but I still kind of want to I don't know we'll see I how I feel tomorrow.

Right now I'm bouncing between 93 and 94 about 3 days ago I was 92.6 and I even stepped on twice to make sure the scale was tricking me. I don't want to go because I don't want to gain weight and I know I will gain weight from my trip to Table Rock with my family on Saturday and a week of eating normally or somewhat at least is inevitable to weight gain and I've already prepared myself for the amount I'm going to gain. Part of me is thinking well you can eat as much as you want your going to gain tons of weight anyway you can just burn it all off when you get back! Then another part of me is pushing myself to starve myself as much as possible so I don't feel as guilty with the weight gain.

I don't know this was kind of a pointless post I don't know I was on my computer already and i'm bored but I think i'm going to brush my teeth, take my pills and go to bed.

I'm not looking forward to the amount of sadness and tears tomorrow but nothing a little food can't fix? I hate bingeing. So gross