written August 7th" Finally catching up with me

My actions are finally catching up with me and I'm not totally sure how I feel about it. I've tried so hard for so long to keep this disease under wraps. For this to be mine and only mine. My parents are starting to notice more and more as well as the intensity of my behaviors. They have always known I've had problems with food but they've never really known the severity of my behaviors.

I have always been good at hiding and keeping it secret. For two reasons, so I could stay skinny (ya right) and to keep my coping mechanism at bay. I eventually knew this would all catch up to me I just hoped that I could keep it secret for a little bit longer. My mom especially has noticed my skinny frame and my eating has been changing to eating less and less. I knew this day would come like I said even if I convince myself that it's not that bad. I convinced myself I was never "sick" enough for this to ever become my reality.

Now I'm at a point where I'm not in control anymore, I can't say no to ED. This is the only thing that matters despite the effects. I don't have a choice anymore. For about 4 1/2 years I was able to keep it to being my disease and only my problem to deal with. For about half a year my eating disorder has become more and more unmanageable.

My resource teacher and my school counselor have noticed my recluse behavior and my parents have noticed as well. Summer has been a struggle for me to say the least. I'm going into my senior year and it's very stressful for me to think about. I know I'm acting out through eating disorder behavior.

I'm afraid of being alone. I don't want to spend another year of high school alone. School has never come easy for me, academically or socially. Even if it is my last year and supposedly the funnest and easiest year of high school I'm still not ready to face the crowded halls once again.

My mom is on to me and I know her role as a mom is to be worried but it's also terrifying. I know eventually I will have to give this up. I kind of wanted a reaction because it was a form of validation. I'm getting good at being thin. I'm getting good at this illness enough so that others are starting to notice. That validation isn't as validating as it turns out when it comes back and hits you in the face.

It feels good for a second but you know the people who love you won't let you destroy yourself right in front of you. Your mind is almost as determined to keep you sick and they are to get you well. I don't know how I feel about the conversation with my dad about my eating disorder and having to explain it. From that conversation on it led to a conversation about me seeing an eating disorder specialist. It's a terrifying realization.

Knowing that I can't do this on my own. I just wanted to keep this a secret but I can't keep it a secret any longer. It's too strong and all my mind wants to do is kill me.