I've had low self-esteem, depression and an ED plus anxiety for many years. There was a time where I've struggled seperately with them even though they very much go hand in hand. I really struggled with my depression in 7th and 8th grade. It got so bad in 8th grade I was admitted to a mental hospital because I was suicidal and my therapist didn't trust that I was safe in the outside world.
I grew up a lot from that time in my life. I know a lot more about myself than I did back then. I developed eating issues during that same year but all the problems I have now stem from 7th grade which was 4 1/2, 5 years ago. I never expected being who I am or dealing with the things I'm dealing with when I was that age.
My most rock bottom I ever got with my eating disorder was probably going to an eating disorder specialist. The therapist wanted me to go to treatment because of my behaviors and my mom was in complete denial. That night was really hard for my mom and I. That was as close as it has ever really gotten when it comes to my parents being involved or knowing the intensity of it all.
Having an eating disorder no matter what is pure hell. There are days where you don't struggle as much and then there are days where just the thought of eating makes your head spin. Where even looking at your body just makes you crumble. I'm still struggling more than you could imagine and I'm not searching for recovery in the slightest. I don't want it.
When I was at the beginning stages of my disorder I was more bulimic at that point in time. I have more embarrassing moments probably more than anything. I would binge on a whole box of cookies and my brothers and my mom were pissed because they just assumed it was me. The most embarrassing part was that it was me. There was a time where my mom wouldn't allow me downstairs after dinner because she knew I would get rid of it.
I think it's important to understand for everybody is that your rock bottom doesn't have to be physical.
The problem is your head not your physical body frame. I've had many moments where I've broke down emotionally even when I was at a categorized healthy weight.
When you're struggling, you're struggling. When you're sick, you're sick. It doesn't fucking matter if you're deathly thin or not. When kids are sick, they come to you to tell you they feel sick, you believe them don't you? You don't need a fever to solidify a sickness. Yes it makes it more "real" I suppose but it's not necessary. Just because people are mentally hurting it somehow warrants a physical problem? Why is that so? It's not fair. Everyone deserves help whether it's physical or mental. We're all human and we should be treated as such.
II really love this quote and it couldn't be more true!
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