Day 10 #30dayfreedomchallenge

If I trusted my body I would be able to recover from my eating disorder. Like I said before, I never began this as an easy way out to deal with the hatred of my body. It was an easy way out to cope with the hatred of myself. My body was never the problem. For so long I believed I was the problem, so I thought this would be a great way to "fix" myself.

Unknowingly at first I got one half off and one for free. The half-off being the journey to "fix" what the problem was but in reality I didn't exactly know what the problem was. I just knew I needed a change, not in the form of body reconstruction but as a way to combat what was mentally going on inside my head.

I wouldn't say if I trusted my body I wouldn't have gone down the the path I went down. More so if I trusted my body I don't think I would have attempted to cling onto a buoy as I was frantically swimming through tall, harsh waters just to keep safe. So I could get my strength back so I could go out and face the world. I didn't have the chance to let go soon enough until I hung on too tight, for too long.

If I trusted my body I would be able to accept a little more that I can't keep living this way. I'm afraid my body will betray me. I'm afraid of losing this body. I like this body. It's a safe body, comfortable. Not too hard, not too soft, just right.

I still want to lose weight, for my bones to protrude a little more. It signifies that I somehow made it, wherever that is. I made. I'm safe. I'm comfortable. There's no way I'm losing the only thing that wakes me up in the morning.

It's too risky, way too risky.