My life

I've been writing a lot recently because it's as close as I can get to not losing my sanity in this lonely universe I've succumbed myself to, I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm just going with the flow trying to contain myself because I feel like I have no option. I'm at the swimming pool and I found a ladybug that won't leave me alone, I like ladybugs :) I came here to swim and I just ended up sitting here for the past 15 minutes observing people in the water and now I find myself writing this.

I feel all the joy from my younger self is gone, being excited for certain things are always immediately followed by worry and most of the worry isn't even relevant. I don't know where I'm going with this. I don't want to be here (at the pool) anymore I just want to go running and just listen to music and go away by myself for a little while. (I did end up going swimming) I feel like I'm stuck and my family doesn't understand how fucking hard it is to just live day to day knowing it will the be the exact same day in and day out. Get on the scale, be either shame ridden or secretly screaming of joy inside because you think you finally got "there." Then decide if they day will either be good or bad determined by your self control and determination.

Your brother is hanging out with his friends, for about a week or so you continue to ask your mom where he is and it's always the same answer every time and every time you feel more of horrible example of an older sister because that's what YOU'RE supposed to be doing. Late curfews and talking to friends. My mom is trying to reassure me being an introvert is something that's normal and I agree but at some point you wonder if it's okay to spend days at home without talking to anyone besides your family. To be honest, I do like my personality, I really do the upside is I don't have to worry about annoying anybody to tears with my extroverted self.

Like I said though I wonder if my way of being is acceptable. It makes me feel like a nuisance more than anything. I know my parents feel ashamed of their 17 year old daughter who has nothing to say for herself except for an increasingly slimming figure and trying to keep her head above water as much as she can.

Every day I feel like I'm on the verge of an complete and utter breakdown, something is wrong with me, why can't I just be like everybody else? My mom wants me to get a car because that's what "normal" 17 year olds should be doing, actually it was supposed to be 16 but ya know I"m always a year behind what is acceptable.

I ended up leaving it here while I was typing here so I'm just going to leave it like this